I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?