checking out some reviews of my local library
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: