Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.