Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
How is it still this week?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.