I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Geez man, take it easy.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
They also CAN sing✌️
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok