Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Netflix and awkward silence?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.