Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
bought wrong eggs
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Why I divorced her.