You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Noted.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭