Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.