I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
You Might Also Like
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.