Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
🤣😂🤣
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.