Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.