*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
You Might Also Like
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️