He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.