Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You Might Also Like
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal