If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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Baller is short for ballerina
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Stop.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Teach your children to beatbox
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.