The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.