“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Extremely relatable.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.