My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
A choir of Spring onions
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!