A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind