Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
For those that worship cheese..
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.