Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.