date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower