me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!