What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My dad is at it again
Me redecorating every room in my mind