If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
pelicons
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.