If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Mornin
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Something Saturday.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.