Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco