Based Erika
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.