Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
“A little help here, Danny?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Have a lovely day 😊
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time