never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*