Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“Huge”.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you