‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
How did we not see this back then?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Tier 3 meme
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?