“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
my retirement plan is braless
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I like crazy people until they notice me
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight