[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
You Might Also Like
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what