Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
every college guy’s fridge
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Personal question. #JustSaying
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen