Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.