There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*