Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
🐕🍷
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.