Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
You Might Also Like
Me trying to walk in a dream
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.