Netflix and you sit over there.
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
i meant to share this earlier
Never let them know your next move 😂
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’ve had worse
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”