#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”