Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You Might Also Like
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Love this guy
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I had to Stop for this
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.