“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate