Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone