*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.