I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”