wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You Might Also Like
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?