Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I’m aging like a fine banana
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’