[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber